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Welcome to all our new Red Bulls fans!


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#1
NittanyMetros

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Hi, new Red Bulls fan, and welcome to supporting the New York Red Bulls (aka the Metro)! We are excited to have you on board, and I have put together a quick history lesson for you to enjoy. May your stay with the New York Red Bulls be full of Thierry Henry goals, championship trophies, and the slow death of DC United (pronounced "Scum"). Always remember, we fucking hate DC United. If you have a general distaste for DC, supporting this club is not for you. We. Fucking. Hate. D.C.

History Lesson

Being a New York Red Bulls fan is fucking glorious. You really have been missing out on some quality football for the past 15 years. I only wish you could have seen the athletic prowess of Edmundo Rodriguez (Ed Suck O), the fantastic decision making of former team president Nick Sackiewicz, who used to play for Nantes (and by play, we mean gave hummers to the first team), the marketing genius of the Metro Playoff Fever campaign, and the worlds greatest football ground -- Giants Stadium. Being a fan of this team requires trust in every front office decision, an understanding that Elie Ikangu is comparable to Claude Makelele, and George Weah will suit up for the Metrostars next week.

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His large mouth and delicate chin make Nick Sackiewicz one of the best players Nantes has ever seen

1995-2006: The MetroStars years

The formation of MLS signalled the return of professional soccer to the NY/NJ area. Prior to the announcement of the team, the New York Centaurs were the only game in town. Metro did not start off their campaign very well. In fact, the Metros were originally supposed to be called Empire SC...but that name was sensibly changed to MetroFlash, then the New York/New Jersey Metrostars (an homage to the Native American MetroStar tribe which inhabited the Jersey swamps). Back then, the rules were different. The clock counted down, we played on astroturf, there were no ties and no extra time. The shootout was MLS' way of making soccer hip and fun.

1996 saw the club start 0-3 and crash out of the playoffs to DC Scum in the first round (thanks to Rob Johnson...who is a shithead). We like to forget about those things however, and choose to remember the good times to be had back then. We remember our hero Giovanni Savarese, and the undeniable speed and prowess of "El Pitufo" (which is moon-speak for midget) Antony De Avila. Jersey Boy and American goalkeeping legend Tony Meola was our keeper, and one of the greatest matches ever happened on a Saturday night in Jersey. On that fateful night, the Metros came back from 3-0 down to send 38,000 fans into raptures. Oh, what a fantastic night that was. The now-defunct Tampa Bay Mutiny took a gigantic shit in their pants, and handed us the victory via the shootout (with) a hattrick by Gio. Yes, we choose to remember the good of that team. We signed Donadoni, Tab Ramos played for like 5 minutes one time.

Did you know Eddie Firmani coached the NY Cosmos? He also coached the Metros! He also got fired after 8 games. Carlos Quieroz also coached the Metros! He got fired too.

Here's what you need to know about some other shit:

1997 saw Roberto Donandoni grace the pitch for our fabled and storied Metro. Italian grandfathers took their grandkids to see the Italian legend, and he is still one of the best players the club has ever seen. It was also the birth of the new NY/NJ Metrostars logo

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unfortunately, Pitufo left our organization and headed back to his native Columbia (but then decided to go to Ecuador because there were more stars on its flag). DC won the title again, and Metro didn't make the playoffs. Fuck DC. Bye-bye Carlos Alberto Parreira, and bye-bye Donadoni. Oh, we also traded our captain Peter Vermes for Kerry Zavagnin. Charlie Stillitano knows football.

1998

Just kidding about the NY/NJ part, we're really just the Metrostars. Tab Ramos actually played a couple of games for the Metros, and Alexi Lalas had a curly-ginger mullet thing going on. Lalas was a stalwart in our defense, buoyed by his shockingly fantastic goatee. We made the playoffs again!

1999

The Metrostars did not play soccer in the 1999 season. Charlie Stillitano decided that he didn't like being GM of a soccer team anymore. I will instead post pictures of completely random people.

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Sup?

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This Serbian version of Dennis Rodman enjoys jet skis and hookers.



UP NEXT: The new millenium

DE GRANDPRE OUT


#2
theredmenace

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Upsetting Shorts: Funny, so you don't have to. SEASON 2 BEGINS! NEW EPISODE JULY 2nd!!!

Eleazar: "Tim = wise man"

#3
Matrim55

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This is fantastic. I'm lol'ing.

#4
JerseyTexan

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I'll pile on with the list of the Top 10 MetroBulls courtesy of the U.K.'s Daily Mirror. Weird, I know.

#5
RedBullsFC

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Pitufo left our organization and headed back to his native Columbia (but then decided to go to Ecuador because there were more stars on its flag).

Hilarious...sent to my Colombian wife :lol:

#6
MetroFanatic

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I'll pile on with the list of the Top 10 MetroBulls courtesy of the U.K.'s Daily Mirror. Weird, I know.

ALEXEI Lalas!!!

No.
MetroFanatic.com. Metro Forever.

#7
Harraby Lad

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I'll pile on with the list of the Top 10 MetroBulls courtesy of the U.K.'s Daily Mirror. Weird, I know.



Nice of the Mirror to wish him well with his retirement
Master of Karate and Friendship for everyone.

#8
jamison

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Don't forget the time in 2003 when NickSack told the supporters club that the team lost home games because the players were afraid of the fans.

What is this, Argentina? We never lit a bus on fire over our team losing, etc (that one baby stroller had it fucking coming, but hey, it was Empty at the time, no foul there...)

Marc de Grandpre is a very obvious shit sandwich. 


#9
juberish

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is there an option to ignore certain posters?

#10
NittanyMetros

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The new millenium: Back to St. Tropez

2000

So after a 1 year hiatus, the Metros started out 2000 like shit. They were clearly rusty due to their lack of playing time from the previous year. We signed Lothar Matthaus, the same dude who was nasty in the 1984 Euro Cup. Lothar was clearly a class above MLS. So much so, in fact, that he barely even needed to run. Unfortunately, Lothar couldn't play for a little bit because he had to rehab on a beach in St. Tropez. Who wants to get paid to play soccer when it's the summer? Luckily for Metro, a young man by the name of Clint Mathis burst onto the scene. Mathis is a Metro legend, and flashed his "I heart NY" shirt after every single goal due to his sponsorship with Fruit of the Loom's white T-Shirt division. Speaking of legends, Mike Petke forever etched his name in Metro folklore too. After "Big Douche" Mamadou Diallo stomped on Mike Amman, Petke scored. He then flashed his own white t-shirt -- in a viral marketing attempt by Hanes -- with the phrase "Revenge is Coming". We are not sure whether Petke wrote this, or if Michael Jordan was pissed that his sponsorship of Hanes tees was being upstaged by the rock star that was Clint Mathis. By the way, did I mention Mathis is a LEGEND? Dude dropped 5 on Dallas in a 6-4 Metro victory. Lothar came back, we won the eastern division (damn right) and we lost in the playoffs.

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Matthaus in the throes of a sweating spree due to his contraction of the Y2K virus.

2001

Matthaus left, Clint Mathis kept scoring. A young keeper named TIM HOWARD emerged. Unfortunately, Clint tore his ACL in a US National Team camp, which severely stunted the progress the team had made the previous year. Metro lost in the Copa Mecronorte (which no longer exists), lost in a mini-game to LA (no one knows what the fuck MLS was thinking either, so don't ask), and lost an owner as MetroMedia went broke and the owners of MetroMedia (Kluge and Subotnick) sold off their assets (the team) to AEG.

2002

Octavio Zambrano stayed on as coach and made a multitude of changes. One of those changes was Marcelo Balboa. He fucking sucks. He even sucks at announcing. Remember when Petke said revenge is coming? He was right, we traded for Mamadou Diallo...take that "Big Douche"! Diallo actually dropped 4 goals on LA that year for us, but we still fucking hate him. Petke was still on the team, which made practice a little bit awkward. Especially since Mike Amman went to DC. Mathis returned, Zambrano forgot to put him on the team sheet for a match, and then Clint got hurt again. He eventually scored in the World Cup, but OZ was toast. Remember Tab Ramos (shit yeah man, he played for Metro for 6 years!)? He played like 5 minutes again and then peaced on us to retire. We then traded our leading scorer (Rodrigo Faria) for a man by the name of Bob Bradley. No, he wasn't a player. For obvious reasons, exploding buidings were not as cool in 2002 as they were in 2000, so Metro changed the logo:

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Nothing says "New York" like a soccer ball and a star



2003

Petke got traded to DC for Jaime Moreno. Jaime Moreno is a fuck. A complete and total fuck. He tanked during his time here, and completely disappeared against DC (surprise). We got Eddie Pope in a trade, and he turned out to be one of the top defenders at this club for a long time (aka 2003). John Wolyniec (another Metro legend) scored one of the best goals in MLS history against Columbus. Tim Howard got sold to Manchester United, and continues to make us proud to this day on the world stage. Ricardo Clark only makes us kind of proud, but he's a Metro nonetheless. We also picked up Amado Guevara, who turned out to be one of the best midfielders this club has ever seen. We lost in the playoffs, but that goes with out saying at this point. We got rid of Moreno though, he went back to DC. Told you he was a fuck.

2004

Metro became the first MLS side to win a cup on foreign soil, beating Dinamo Kiev along the way. WE WON THE LA MANGA CUP BITCHES!

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Holy shit...MARK LISI?! Nah, just playin it's Chris Leitch.


Fabian Taylor played for us. He really wanted to play in Europe though, because "That's where the bucks is". Amado Guevara amassed 10 goals in '04 and quickly became the best player in MLS. Eddie Pope wasn't that good, but Eddie Gaven was. Tapped as a future US National Teamer, Gaven excelled as a 17 year old kid. We signed the "King of Goals" Sergio Galvan Rey. The King of Goals turned out to be anything but, tough he did manage to miss sitters left and right. He had a nice headband and flowing locks due to his contract with Herbal Essences, so Wilman Conde likes to jack his style. We lost to DC in the playoffs. Fuck DC.

2005

Bob Bradley got fired. We got stuck with Jeff Agoos, (who didn't get the hint when we told him to retire) and he stuck with the team for way too fucking long. Nick Sack got fired, and was sentenced to spend the rest of his miserable life (60-90 days) at Sing-Sing...aka Chester, PA. The team amassed 47 points, but was unceremoneously dumped out of the playoffs despite Youri Djorkaeff's fantastic play. Oh shit, I forgot, we got Youri fuckin Djorkaeff!

Unfortunately however, this was the end of Metro as we know it. Part of us died after 2005, and many of us still bleed Metro today. We are still loyal to the club, but in many ways it is not the same.

RIP Metro

Up next: Energy Drink, Mo Johnston and Purple Drank, the trials and tribulations of RBNY and Mark DeGrandpre

DE GRANDPRE OUT


#11
magicmoron

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This is great. Should make it's way to the main site at some point.

#12
Hutskizzle

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Mike
Petke
Fever
Catch It.


#13
jjtbone

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I feel like I should be humming killing me softly as I read this thread. Classic.

#14
NittanyMetros

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Part 3 coming in a few

DE GRANDPRE OUT


#15
NittanyMetros

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Part 3: Mas un club, it's a soda too.

2006
So Metro's old owners (AEG) dumped them, and Red Bull took over our franchise. They completely changed our name, crest and colors in the process. Red Bull can only be described as the rebound girl who kind of grows on you after a while, but only because you're ex cheated on you with like 5 other dudes, but you know the rebound girl won't cheat so you stick with her for 5 years (even though she makes you quit most of your favorite activities..mainly winning) and eventually buys you some really nice shit.

Mike Bradley was sold to Holland, Ante Razov peaced, and Eddie Gaven got traded to Columbus for Edson Buddle. Edson Buddle was not good in his stint here. He is clearly on steroids and peyote, that is the only explanation for his current form. It's all good though, our new General Manager Alexi Lalas (minus the whole ginger mullet thing) was here to cheer us up. He was our best friend after all.

See?



So, we're gonna have our minds blown? To say the fanbase was mutinous at this point would be an understatement. Metrofanatic turned into a warzone and long time supporters jumped ship, never to return again. However, life must go on. Red Bull tried to soften the blow by taking 800 of us on vacation one month after meeting them (fo' free). It was an all expenses paid bus trip and club party to the slum known as RFK stadium. We tied, we got in fights, fuck DC. Then, we had 33,000 show up for our home opener to see Shakira and Wyclef. We drew 0-0, no one really noticed. Then we drew again, and again, and again. Red Bull was mediocre, and the club was too. To make matters worse, our best friend peaced on us and went to go fuck our ex. That's right, Alexi Lalas went to work for AEG and the LA Galaxy. He was replaced by a man who never watched soccer, and knew (knows) nothing about the sport...Mark DeGrandpre (bitch). Meanwhile, Alexi Lalas is still a colossal asshole.

About the only good thing to come out of 2006 was the emergence of a young kid named Jozy Altidore. DC Thumped us 4-1 at home, Mo Johnston got fired, and Bruce Arena took over a pathetically awful roster. Bruce stabilized the club and began to get some quality results towards the end of the season. Metro fought hard against DC, and deserved to go through, but eventually bowed out of the competition because John Conway's Geri Curls got in the way as he tried to make a save at the near post.

2007

Bye Amado. 2007 saw the end of the Amado Guevara era, a move which was loudly criticized by the most vocal supporters of the club. He was traded for a second DP slot (Thierry Henry is a DP by the way, and it does not stand for double penetration in this case). Claudio "Little Things" Reyna was signed, as was Clint Mathis (which everyone was pleased about). Buoyed by the emergence of the Flying Dutchman Dave van den Bergh, Metro came out on fire to start the season. There was some optimism in Jersey, and fans began to hope that the worst was behind us. Then came the single most important signing in Metro history...the signing of Juan Pablo Angel. The most prolific goal scorer in team history, our hero, and our captain. Metro was eliminated in the playoffs after Angel was injured with a concussion, and New England capitalized while we were down to 10 men. Things were looking up in Metro land however, and a solid core of players were built. RB looked poised for success in 2008. By the way, Claudio Reyna fucking blew and was hurt half of the time. The "Little Things" I spoke of were all little injuries which made him a practically useless million dollar signing.

BTW Beckham showed up, but Jozy and Angel stole the show. LA finished last, Lalas got fired.

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Beckham questions whether he likes the feeling of black rubber pellets from GS turf in his asscrack

2008

So remember when I told you that Metro was building a quality core of players?

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Fuck you, I run this bitch

Yeah, we fired Bruce Arena. Let me say that again...We Fired Bruce Arena. The excellent team of last year was dismantled as Marvelle Wynne was traded to Colorado, Dunivant was traded, Altidore was sold in the summer, and we paid an obscene price to hire Juan Carlos Osorio. Osorio was responsible for signing Gabriel Chichero, Jorge Rojas and Juan Pietravallo. All three of these players sucked, but they made us think they were OK (side note: I gave my ESC scarf to fucking Cichero. I feel like an asshole). Metro limped into the playoffs (actually they backed in..face down, ass up). Most fans expected an early round exit to Houston as Metro made it in as the 5th team from the eastern conference (the west was that bad). Metro then rode a wave of heroic goalkeeping to beat both Houston (in the best game of Dane Richards life) and Salt Lake (thanks to the goalposts) to head to Los Angeles for the MLS Cup final. In the process we also made Alexi Lalas shotgun a Red Bull on national TV.

Metro lost the final, but we will never forget that magical run, and the amazing play of Danny Cepero. Unfortunately, it also prolonged the reign of Juan Carlos Osorio. Oh yeah, DeGrandpre peaced to go sell some purple drank.

Up next: The present, and how to be a Red Bulls fan

DE GRANDPRE OUT





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